Love has this funny way of persuading even the most ethical person to compromise his/her beliefs. I guess that’s why you often hear people say that love makes you stupid. I’ve sat and witnessed the smartest, most intelligent people in my circle, fall for the dumbest things. But I’d be remised if I excluded myself from that number. I, too, have found myself wrapped up so tight in cupid’s love that I made poor decisions, over-looked red flags, and shamefully, I hurt people.
It wasn’t something I tried to do, but then again when you go into situations knowing the possible consequences, I guess it does cause for some much needed accountability. No need to downplay the situation. So maybe, behind the sweet, kind version of myself is someone that is selfish, inconsiderate, and dishonest.
Hey, we all have fallen short somewhere in our lives. Right?
But it’s not something I am proud about. In fact, I make it a constant effort to remove it from my memory. I block it out and try to throw away the key as if that were ever realistic. From time to time, I am reminded of my past wrong doings.
In those moment, I can literally feel Karma looking at me from over my shoulder with a look comparable to Blue Ivy’s disgusted face and my mood elevator tends to go down as I begin to reflect on all the people that I hurt – the hearts that I fumbled.
As every story begins, I feel the need to acknowledge (“full-disclosure” as my boss would say) that I was young, 21 years old to be exact. My senior year in college presented me with an unconventional ultimatum that would forever haunt me.
I can recall the saying “you wouldn’t know love, if it slapped you in the face.” Many might interpret the saying as someone being so incredibly aloof to a love that is right in front of them and I would agree with that interpretation. However, I can’t help but take the saying a step further to address the fact that many of us sometimes associate dysfunction with love. “Love isn’t supposed to be easy anyway,” is what many of us might admit to having said at some point in our lives to excuse the toxicity of our own relationships.
We wouldn’t know love or be attracted to someone unless it was wrapped in bad decisions, struggle, and thinning edges. And this is coming from someone STILL trying to revive her edges from her mid-twenties decisions. (Laughing, but very serious) So let’s just say, I was slapped in the face several times.
And as much as we swear that we don’t have time for the tomfoolery, somehow “the universe” continues to present those type of men to us and we still fall for them.
The second semester my senior year, I found myself in what felt like a loving, healthy relationship. I was with a really sweet, amazing guy that I knew deep in my heart adored me. After a year of him showing interest, I gave him a shot and to my surprise found myself asking him to be my boyfriend, instead of the other way around. It was everything I desired to have at the time , but as usual, my timing for love to find me wasn’t ideal.
Nonetheless, it was just long enough to gain attention from an ex whom I had history with, YEARS to be more specific. Our rollercoaster love affair brought many highs and lows, but by the time my senior year rolled around, had led to a nagging lull that seemed to be going nowhere. If you’d asked me years ago, I might have denied it, but I think I was so infatuated with the idea of love and having a relationship, in order to validate my worth as a woman to my ex and to the people around me.
So when the opportunity presented itself to be with someone that I didn’t have to coax or prove anything with, I jumped on it. In fact, I track star sprinted, because I was so fed up with what my love life had presented to me up until then. And I must say, what we originally had was beautiful, until I found myself in a tangled web with my past and my present.
Exes always seem to have it. They know what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what makes you get completely out of character and do some dumb ish that you know you aren’t supposed to be doing.
But what seems to add to the easiness or complexity of them doing this, is dependent on whether or not you have completely closed the chapter with that person. I’m talking, the door needs to be closed, locked, and sealed just to be on the safe side.
Somehow, I didn’t get that memo. (Laughs to self) One “checking in as a friend” text message turned into too many, which led to my dishonesty with my partner, whom I loved, and the beginning of the demise of our relationship.
There is nothing comparable to the sinking feeling that comes from disappointing someone you love, and that loves you. I felt horrible and my confidence and worth was beginning to fade. I was torn between what was and what is, and couldn’t seem to identify which love was actually REAL. But what hurt the most, is the fact that I could no longer identify who I was by the decisions that I was making.
I count all things, good and bad, as an opportunity to grow. And boy, did I grow that year! In spite of the many apologies that preceded my mistakes, I never seemed to be able to forgive myself. Neither was I ever able to accept the fact that I willingly hurt someone just to be with someone else.
But today, I forgive myself. I acknowledge that I hurt someone, that didn’t deserve to be treated that way and I pray every day that God has granted him peace and happiness.
I am sorry. I fumbled your heart.