I closed the door to what was to be my new place. It was an older home that had the cutest charm about it. I remember when I first saw it. I took one walk through and immediately whispered to the owner as she directed other prospective tenants, “I want it.” Everything moved pretty quickly after that.
I noticed as I’ve gotten older that I operate in two different states. One of absolute certainty and another in complete ambiguity. I am never in the middle. I am either 100% certain or my mind is everywhere. I typically attribute my moments of certainty as divine revelations – God sent. They come naturally and organically without me having to stop and question if it makes sense. I feel whatever it is deep in my spirit and genuinely love those moments. I am sure of myself and feel like I have my life under control. Moving into my new apartment alone after 3 years was another divine moment.
I knew that that apartment was for me. The timing, price, location, and layout was just too perfect. It was everything that I wanted and desired. It was almost too good to be true.
But as I closed the door after waving family and friends off, I felt…weird. Not that something bad was about to happen, but everything just felt foreign to me. I suddenly felt like the kid dropped off at a new school with no familiarity in sight to ease the nerves. Every room I walked in felt cold and empty. As it should be of course, as there were boxes o’ plenty taking up most of the center of each room. I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach.
“What is wrong with me?!”
I immediately picked up the phone to text my boyfriend and ask that he come back over as soon as he was free. In the meantime, I scurried around unpacking a little bit at a time until I became tired. Darkness fell and as I woke up to a pitch black room, I immediately felt weird again. This time it was more like FEAR. As I began to feel around my walls, I started turning on every light that I could find in the house.
(Oh you better BELIEVE my electric bill was sky high that first month)
I picked up the phone and called my best friend, curious to see how things had been now that 70% of the furniture was no longer in what once was our apartment. Neither was there anyone to talk to through the walls about random tv shows, social media memes, and the latest fashion ideas.
For a friendship exceeding 10+ years, this was our first time experiencing life as roommates. It was interesting, fun, and sometimes quiet. It’s funny how you can talk to someone every day that lives in a different household, but the moment you move in together the engagement began to dwindle. Maybe it’s because, as humans, sometimes we take advantage of the things that are readily accessible more so than the things that aren’t.
Nonetheless, we had fun. We laughed, we cried, and I am certain got on each other’s nerves, but the love never dies ya know, especially when it’s your best friend, your sister.
I sat on my couch and waited, anticipating her answer.
“Bestie!!!! What are you doing?!”
We always greeted each other as if we’d never seen each other often using our random nicknames with endearment.
“I’m good. How are you and brother T?!”
That had always been her nickname for my boyfriend, as they both established a close brotherly/sisterly bond. Living together as roommates made us all become like family. Having her stamp of approval of him was important to me, especially as he and I got closer. Probably too close at times to where it seemed like 3 people lived at the house instead of two.
It was our second year of dating when I began to feel the need to get my own place. Not because I didn’t love my bestie with everything in me, but I felt my life transitioning….FAST. My relationship was becoming more serious and the idea of having a place to myself to just BE without any regard, began to look quite appealing.
My bestie coincidentally began to express her desire to look for jobs outside of our hometown and in an interest to ensure I had an affordable place to live when the lease was up, I began looking for apartments.
“Are you all unpacked?” She asked. “Have I ever been?” I replied in sarcasm. We both laughed when my doorbell rang loudly, almost jolting me out the chair.
“Sheesh this house gives me the heebee jeebies. Let me call you back, girlie. I think he FINALLY got my message to come by.”
As I hung up and walked to the door, I opened it and without realizing it, flung myself into his arms. He has always been my human teddy bear and my superman (well besides my Daddy). As he followed me to sit on my barely assembled couch, I looked at him – handsome, tall, with deep dimples on each side of his widely gapped teeth (which he despises by the way).
The feeling was a bit melancholy. I was happy he was with me, but for the first time I realized what the feeling was. Anxiety. Anxiety from a small (yet BIG) change that represented a new chapter in my life. As the page turned and I started a new chapter, I could literally feel the butterflies in my stomach of what was to come – marriage, family, all of that. It’s kind of scary realizing that one day I will look up and have babies, aging parents, more death of loved ones, or just the sheer fact that time is NOT waiting for anyone.
As I looked in the beautiful brown eyes of someone that I intended to be in my future, I reflected on the lessons and blessings that got me to this point. I thanked God for the seasons of self-discovery and the opportunity to create 20-year old memories with my best friends. I expressed my gratitude to the genuine people that have come and left from my life, and I look towards the future knowing that beautiful days are ahead.
Because of that…I am learning to welcome and embrace TRANSITIONS.
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