The stars and moon illuminated the sky like never before, as I lay on the bounce house from earlier in the day. The party was over hours ago, but the stress of having to be social ALL DAY hadn’t fully left my body yet. I inhaled my vice of choice and sat up enough to follow it with a swig of vodka that I hid in my water bottle (a trick I picked up from working as an intern at one of the biggest financial firms in the city). I layed back down and what little bit of tension that was left seemed like it just floated out of my body at that very moment.
My phone buzzed with notifications of social media tags and text messages that I would address later, because honestly there’s no telling what I would reply back in this state. My mind drifted to the party and how it went better than expected. I wanted to do something different for my 25th birthday, an ultimate game day. I had Twister, an epic water balloon fight, a bounce house, almost every college drinking game, and even brought out the double-dutch ropes. I just wanted to get away from the seriousness of my daily life and let it all go for once.
I know I sound like a perfectionist, but I promise I’m only that way to make it in this life. It’s not easy being the only one to make it in my family and d$!n near my neighborhood. I followed all the “traditional” paths to get out of the hood. I dodged all the traps I saw my friends fall into, from bad relationships to kid after kid and a need for public assistance. A breath of relief and thanks for birth control because what times I did relax, I RELAXED. But even with the “gains” I had accomplished, I felt like I was missing something.
Now I really was floating, questioning my life and it’s purpose while in my altered state. Was I really happy? Not really. I mean, my friends and their relationships were a mess, to say the least, but they had each other and a legacy starting, at the end of the day. Who did I have? An occasional date here or there and quick session with an ex that we both knew we’d never get back together. What would be my legacy? Student loan debt and my well organized and decorated cubicle? There had to be more to life than what I currently was doing.
Still floating, this time spinning through the nights sky, only slowing down to see my human form half conscious, soaking in the breeze of the cool wind that was starting to pick up. Finally, a voice blared through my flight. “I didn’t birth you to see you lost”. I tried to wake up but couldn’t move. “Follow your heart and we will clear the road for you. Stay still and be miserable by yourself,” I tried to talk but couldn’t. “You heard me. Move or stay, the choice is yours, but lost ain’t it.”
Eventually, I passed out completely. The sound of the birds chirping mixed with the sun’s rays shining onto the plastic that I was now stuck to. Trying to process if last night was a dream or real, and that cosmic voice rang in my ear and the thought of how I was about to find my way.