I told myself I wouldn’t write this story. **Rolls eyes. In fact, I talked about me being “ok” and “over it” so much that I actually began to believe it. That man wasn’t around long enough to make that kind of impact on my life anyway. I should be able to let go. But I haven’t, and the subtle anger that arises at the thought of it still stings in my chest. I can’t neglect how I feel. I need closure. So…here it goes.
It only took a few weeks. In a few measly weeks he had enough time to make me feel like he was perfect, and the scum of the earth, within what felt like a blink of an eye. But one thing I am learning is that the length of time you experience a person does not dictate the extent to which they can hurt you. Whether it be twenty years, two years or heck two days, hurt is hurt. And ya gal was BUTT HURT. I’m talking poo-faced, angry and most of all, EMBARRASSED. Why? **In my Tyra Banks voice, because “I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!”
One of the biggest ways anyone can hurt me is through disappointment. You can imagine that I’m probably in my feelings a lot, because it’s bound to happen quite frequently in life. I can’t stand to be let down. But who actually does? **crickets. Yea that’s what I figured, which is why I must proactively work at bouncing back when things don’t go as planned, and work towards building trust with the new people that come in my life. You can call me naïve, but I believe everyone should truly mean what they say, and say what they mean. Miss me with the sugar coating or fear of communication. As an adult, I set standards for myself and those around me that share a mutual respect for one another by just being HONEST. So if that’s not the case, let me do you and me both a solid and keep you at bay. Way….way….way over that a ‘way!
What’s interesting is that when we are swoon by someone in the early stages of dating, we only see what we want to see. At least I did. But hindsight, when I recall the brief encounters I had with him I could see there were several subtle signs that told me something was up. What was that something? I couldn’t tell at the time, so I did what I normally do and ignored it. There were too many other things about him that made him appear to be a catch and I was ready to snatch him up like the latest Fenty collection.
If I must be honest, I was TOO nice and a bit presumptuous. There I said it! I put myself out there for a man, that I’m convinced was truly not that interested. Maybe he, like many other guys just wanted to test the waters, play the field or out of sheer curiosity, he just wanted to see what I was all about. But why is it that when dating we don’t tell each other upfront? I remember getting to know a guy who lived in another state in my early 20s. He was very transparent in the beginning about openly dating and getting to know people before settling down. When he decided that he wanted to pursue his now wife on a more serious tip, he openly made that known to me. I respected him for that! He was honest and clear about his intentions moving forward, without leading me or anyone else on any further. I wish more men (and women included) handled situations the way that he did.
It was something about this man that made me feel comfortable enough to drop my guard. A guard that many men would say was impossible to break due to my own trust issues that stem from the past. I created this illusion of the ideal man he was and placed him on a very high pedestal. “He isn’t like other guys,” I’d thought to myself. With the combination of the man I assumed him to be, and the man he described himself as, I knew I had found a WINNER. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! We wined, fine dined and I allowed him into my personal space which is something I seldom would ever do (at east out the gate) until I met him. However, one day shortly after…
…he vanished. Poof. And just like that he was gone. Gone so fast, my time with him felt like a figment of my imagination. You ever get the feeling that things are going TOO good, like eventually someone is going to pop out with a camera and proclaim that it was all a joke? You got Punk’d! Yea, I felt that way, and even though no one popped out to tell me it was just a joke, I still felt like one. I realized he had ghosted me after messaging him various times and eventually shifting to social media inboxes only to find out…he blocked me. From everything! Me?! As if I was some Lifetime movie character, that was utterly infatuated with him so much that he was FORCED to do so.
I felt so betrayed by him. But you know what? It showed me how much respect he truly had for me from the beginning. He made me believe that the quality of the man he was would never do anything like that. Not the “well-respected, cares about others more than himself, honest person” that he prided himself to be. And he most definitely wouldn’t have exhibited such behavior to someone as sound minded, like myself, that could’ve accepted what it was and willingly moved on with my life with a simple “I’m no longer interested.” ** Laughs & sighs. Boy, do I wish that was the case.
It’s a weird feeling, because half the time you don’t really know how to feel. I was mad at him, but I began to blame his actions on my own imperfections. I was glad God didn’t permit I waste any more time with him, yet I wanted to talk to him and get closure. I was disappointed with how he handled the situation, but I was even harder on myself because I felt like it was something that I could’ve prevented. It was all my fault. As days turned to weeks, turned to months, I slowly forgot about him. Still stung at times, but eventually I forgave myself and tried to let the situation go.
Exactly 4 months later my phone buzzes and to my surprise I look down and see a Facebook and Instagram notification….from HIM.
The same person that blocked me out of his life abruptly without any explanation was now requesting my friendship. Oddly, I immediately felt a sense of happiness. Aha! It wasn’t me after all! Even though friends, family, God, even Psychic Wayne told me so, I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. I sought that validation from him, and in that moment I realized that I lacked a significant amount of value for myself. Once again, I was reminded that there is still work that needs to be done from within. It’s a life-long journey and process. Honestly, It shouldn’t have taken him coming back (with the saddest apology might I add) for me to know that I am an amazing woman that deserves respect. I deserved an explanation. I deserved more than the short-cut, easy route he used to remove me from his life.
Sometimes as women, we give men too may passes and excuses for their behavior. We tear ourselves down blaming their poor behavior on our doings. But what scares me the most, is when we engage in self-deprecating and we fail to pick ourselves back up as we SHOULD. As a result, we find ourselves lacking confidence, self-love, and self-assurance because of another man’s insecurities.
There were so many words I could’ve said and questions I could’ve asked when he finally messaged me back, but I knew that they were null and void. He had lost all of my respect and I knew that the best thing that I could continue to do as my mother would always say is to “wish them well and let them go.”
To the guy out there, (you know who you are) this is not a game of Chess that we are playing.
There are NO TAKEBACKS. Be blessed love.