As I laid helplessly on the hospital bed I thought to myself, “Is this what the rest of my life will be like? From now on, will my life revolve around this tiny being?” I sighed in disbelief that I am actually going to be someone’s MOM. Well…hopefully, if this child decides to hurry up and come on! It amazes me how those 9 months flew by, but the last 12 hours have felt like eternity. I have literally watched my body stretch to a point where I am CERTAIN I am going to pop. I am! And gosh! When I finally do, I know my lovely tiger scars will come with a vengeance, and places that didn’t sag before will appear almost overnight in the most unflattering way possible.
It’s okay though! Surely, I can wake up an hour early before the baby every day, exercise, and take some time to work on a few things I’d like to accomplish right? I THINK that’s doable. But my friends tell me that such productive and ambitious intentions all go away. How come I can’t be a mother, while still accomplishing everything that I sought out to fulfill? I know, or at least think I have a good idea, of what my purpose is in life and I cannot (I repeat, I can NOT) allow my dreams to be deferred!
“What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore- and then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over- like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode?”- Langston Hughes
What if my dreams began to sag and eventually drift away? “I’ll put it off for a few months,” turns into one year, three years, or heck- eighteen years! What about ME?! I don’t want to look up and be unrecognizable to myself, sagging on the outside, as well as the inside only for my dreams to explode into a distant memory of what could’ve been…a potential doctor, college graduate, business owner, etc.
As I pushed the millions of thoughts in my head away and my new born baby out of my fatigued body, I felt a sudden rush of entitlement. His immediate shrill brought tears to my eyes and a tug at my heart that I have never felt before. This little being is now within my care for the rest of his life. While holding him in my arms, I felt the sudden need to protect him and comfort him. “This is MY baby and whatever he needs I WILL make sure that he has it.” In that moment, I realized it was no longer about me anymore and surprisingly I was okay with that.
I find comfort knowing that my child has had a solid village to support him throughout his adolescent life and now eighteen years later I sit joyfully at his college graduation recollecting all the things that I sacrificed for the tiny little being that flipped my world upside down. Yes, there were times when I felt like my career and dreams took a back seat, but I have no regrets. Sometimes we think we have failed ourselves by not pursuing what we know to be our dreams and/or purpose in life; when in fact, we find that we have been manifesting the divine plan God has over our lives all along. And, somehow, even though things didn’t work out quite like we planned, we still have everything we need and want. Don’t get me wrong- I haven’t given up on my goals and aspirations, but I’ve merely tweaked my timeline to accommodate the people that I love.
“What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore- and then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over- like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load…”- Langston Hughes
…From taking a different road. But soon you will see, your wildest dreams to be from the seeds in which you have sown.