Twas’ the night before therapy and all through my mind, thoughts formed vivid predictions of what my therapist may find. The papers were signed, the appointment was set, as I prepared to rehash all the things I sought out to forget. “My therapist is BLACK” rang through my head, “she’s educated, and professional…and her insights supposedly are always God led.” As I turned off my light, and prayed for restful sleep I pondered over the things under the rug I did sweep.
The scariest feeling in my lifetime is the moment my proverbial rug has to be turned over revealing my own truths. Am I honestly ready for that? Am I ready to see the good, bad, and the oh so ugly parts of me? Just the thought of it creates this sinking feeling in my stomach, comparable to the ones you experience as a kid when you did something you weren’t supposed to do and you knew eventually your parents would find out. And just the thought of not knowing WHEN made you feel sick to your stomach. “It’s coming…soon and very soon,” I’d say to myself.
It’s so funny when we reach a certain age in life and become rudely awakened to the “get your ishh together” alarm clock! This particular alarm clock doesn’t slowly come on and doesn’t allow time for you to brace yourself for it either. It jolts you out of “La La land” so disrespectfully like a child waking up to an unexpected WHOOPIN’. It comes in the form of bad credit, poor career choices/unemployment, unhealthy relationships, life threatening eating habits, psychological and emotional distress, unplanned pregnancy, death or even spiritual weakness.
Maybe it’s just me, but when we are faced with these types of life changing events, or unforeseen circumstances, we immediately spiral into a place where we reactively have to shift into overdrive and pull damage control. After operating in this type of transactional space as repeat offenders, we find it to be exhausting, disappointing, and causes us to reflect heavily on what got us to this point – at least for me it did. “Why do I keep falling into the same type of gosh darn problems? Jeeezz-Louiiiissse!!!”
This year I had my fair share of dating and – don’t get me wrong – it wasn’t completely a waste because if I never experienced that season I wouldn’t be where I am now. I am talking, the moment one man left, another would come into the picture! “Lord I didn’t ask for these men either! Please stop sending them!” It’s like the big man upstairs kept testing me, over and over. Clearly I wasn’t passing and if I did, it was barely.
I know what you are thinking…”oooo she was out here in these streets being a T.H.O.T.!! (Urban acronym for That Garden Tool Over There)” No mam, I wasn’t on my Nola Darling, even though that IS my girl. That was not the case, but I still made poor decisions on how I chose men, dated them, and allowed my own standards to be placed on the shelf. Simple things such as, demanding for a man to walk me to my car because it was late at night, standing me up multiple times, allowing for him to dance around the topic of a commitment, or blatantly overlooking the fact that he may be dating other women were occurrences that I slowly but surely, yet reluctantly allowed. One of my favorites was agreeing to “go with the flow” when I know, you know, and everyone in the world knows that without intentionally identifying where things are headed, we leave ourselves with a one-way ticket to grey spots and disappointment.
So…here I am preparing for what could be the first step to “knowing thyself.” A close Soror of mine and friend referred me to this wonderful female therapist. You would be surprised but one of the main things that deters individuals from going to a therapist is finding the right one for YOU. Granted, if we are gainfully employed, our job will provide a network of professionals that you can visit for free but…umm…personally, I need someone that looks like ME! No shade or insults implied, I just rather talk to someone that understands me, my culture, and my struggles because he/she too has experienced the same.
So I have decided to take a leap of faith and be the catalyst for change in my own life by seeking help. Why? Because I need it gosh darn it!! And let the record show, I (you either) do not need to seek validation from anyone on the decision to see a therapist. There are clearly some things that I think and feel about myself, possibly influenced by my past that keeps allowing me to fall into the same traps. Quite frankly, I am tired of falling and aint nothing sexy about a woman with scrapped up knees! It’s time to get a hold of my life and become a better me.
I’ll admit it, I may be broken but there is nothing that God and good ole therapy can’t fix.