Makeup looks good. Check! But not “too good” because I don’t want to come off as overdone. Dress fits nice. Double Check! But not “too nice” because I don’t want to attract the wrong attention. Hair is visually appealing (Hair flip on both sides). Another check! However, not “too appealing” to where all onlookers see is my beautiful hair and nothing else.
Ugh, I am exhausted! Aren’t you? I am less than 30 days out from my birthday and I feel the most insecure than I have ever been about myself. I have never second guessed myself, my actions, or how I am perceived by the world more than I have these days. Like seriously…I am pushing 30! From the moment I open my eyes, I feel an enormous weight of pressure to conform. Conform in my job, conform in dating, and conform in society’s standards of beauty, how I speak in public, and what type of music I listen to. I’ve gotten so lost in being the total package for others that I am possibly losing the very essence of ME. Sad, but it’s the honest truth.
I wish I could tell you that this blog will always be rays of sunshine and serene bike rides toward a pleasant dusk horizon, or a one-stop shop for happy feelings and brighter days, but that would be grossly surreal. And you know what- I am totally okay with that. One thing I will admit is that you will get very real and raw dialogue, maybe even gasp…shall I say it…PROVOCATIVE. Ultimately, in order for you to truly get to know me, I have to be able to be myself. As women, we condition ourselves to hide behind our pretty smiles and mask the hurt, sadness, or pain we feel because we are strong superwomen, of which I convinced myself to be with every fiber of my being. But clearly, some days, I just can’t do it anymore and I REFUSE to mask it for you, my sisters.
You see, when you are around your true, real sisters, you don’t have to fake the funk (or at least you shouldn’t). Miss me with the cutesy drinks! I only want it served to me like Hennessey and it better be STRAIGHT, no chaser. Let’s call it our “safe to say” environment. No judgement, just women coming together to share juicy stories, hilariously embarrassing experiences, and reflection worthy journeys. Because at the end of the day, no matter how different we may look, we are all the same. We have all hurt (or been hurt), looked in the mirror in disgust at our flaws, sworn we were leaving a “no good” man for good this time, lied, regretted a decision, rejected someone, was afraid to take a risk or, heck, was just plain UNHAPPY at some point.
So, I must start this off on a good note. No secrets right? Hello, I am “29 and fine…ish.” My grandmother, before passing this year, used to say all the time that she was “fine as wine.” That sounded so lavish and desirable to me. So of course in my bourgeoisie persona I had to have the theme “29 and fine” for my birthday that is vastly approaching as of January 13th (shout out to my Capricornian queens). But if I must be real, the “ish” is needed at the end. Now granted, I do have a great job, career, friends, family, and good health, but I still feel incomplete – like it’s never enough and I am never enough. Sometimes I feel like I am going through the motions and not truly LIVING but yet still doing THEE ABSOLUTE MOST! Weird, I know. It is my hope that as this platform grows, I grow, and eventually identify what that missing piece of the puzzle is. Because – well dang – I’m human, and no matter how put together I look, the truth of the matter is……I’m broken.